Выпуск 20

ANGUISHED ENGLISH

Excuses, Excuses

«My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today», wrote a parent. «Please execute him.»

«Please excuse Mary for being absent,» wrote another parent. «She was sick and I had her shot.» These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents to excuse their children’s absences from school.

If you think that today’s students aren’t learning all they should, check out some of the writing miscreated by moms and dads. The following are actual excuse notes received by teachers:

          •   Dear School: Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32, and 33.
          •   Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
          •   Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of the tree and misplaced his hip.
          •   John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
          •   Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
          •   Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
          •   Chis will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
          •   Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
          •   Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
          •   Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
          •   Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
          •   Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
          •   Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
          •   Please excuse Fred from being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.
          •   Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
          •   Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
          •   Please excuse Burma. She has been sick and under the doctor.


                                                                (to be continued)

ANGUISHED ENGLISH

By Richard Lederer